


Lifetime

by chenxingluvr



Category: Heaven's Official Blessing, 天官赐福 - 墨香铜臭 | Tiān Guān Cì Fú - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: (??? well I mean kinda), Angst, I'm doing this for headcanon unrequited fenglian, Introspection, M/M, Minor Huā Chéng/Xiè Lián, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV First Person, SPOILERS OF THE ENTIRE NOVEL!!, Temporarily Unrequited Love, feng xin in just in love with dianxia, feng xin is sad, feng xin pov, fenglian 😭, unrequited fenglian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:40:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27384337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenxingluvr/pseuds/chenxingluvr
Summary: Your Highness there is no one in the world like you, there is no one in heaven or earth that I love more than you, how many times shall I have my heart trampled and bruised til I can finally touch you without being smoldered?Hate me, forgive me, see me as your friend. You are still all I've ever wanted and waited for, no matter how much I try to forget and replace you there is no one that could amount to you.-or feng xin and his 800 years of self-hatred, guilt, and longing
Relationships: Fēng Xìn & Xiè Lián (Tiān Guān Cì Fú), Fēng Xìn/Xiè Lián (Tiān Guān Cì Fú), Hua Cheng & Xie Lian (Tiān Guān Cì Fú), Hua Cheng/Xie Lian (Tiān Guān Cì Fú)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> this really has no direction, this actually really sucks, very self indulgent, I mostly wrote this for fun and bc the fenglian tag is so dry😭😭 anyway unrequited fenglian is my all time favorite headcanon so✌🏻 anyway inspired by the song lifetime by ben&ben (check it out! it's great with the fic, I couldn't stop thinking of making a fenglian fic when I listened to it hhh)

Where did it go so wrong? When did life flash so fast in front of my eyes? Burning orange flames that swallowed the royal capital like an ocean of maple, the smell of blood pungent in the air, stuffy and heavy, filled with despair, shrills of the dying and living nothing but a song repeated day by day. All the suffering, the screams of those who had to slice off their faces and drench themselves in red, hands covered in the stench too unforgettable, burning more than skin, engraved into seeds of loath. 

I see their faces melt together in a frenzy of different memories, caught in a haze of resentment thick with despondency, entangling together into a nightmare without escape.

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘐?

All those years I spent by your side, protecting you, I was always at your aid, all the years I spent at your service.

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘐?

When you were stabbed a hundred times by a blackened sword, while you were dangled high, bind in white and painted in scarlet whilst you had tried to take your own life.

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘐?

When that mask bore such hatred and rancor in your heart, when the souls of the fallen kingdom were called upon the realm of the living, to graze the land which now stands the people who've over thrown your once future reign, summoned from the deepest hurt and agony.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘥𝘰𝘮! 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘺! 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯 𝘨𝘰𝘥! 𝘈 𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘧 𝘤𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘧 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨! 

When the skies had turned dim and the souls rained down from the darkness of the swirling clouds, you who had brought upon the dead from hatred was also the one who saved the the common people you've longed to seek vengeance from.

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘐?

When you had to crawl on the streets, ingest swords like a jester and slave away like a beggar. Those years you dragged in the streets and became nothing more than a scrap collector, you whose name was forgotten, lost in time, you whose light had disappeared from the heavens, you who has walked the dirt of the mortal realm for eight hundred years. 

Aimless, broke, followed by misfortune, unable to die or age, experienced pain to the point where you've become numb and immune.

𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦! 

𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦— galavanting in the heavens and ignoring the cry of my heart, longing to see you, aching to see once more your face that I've seem to forgotten already, agonizing for the day you'd return to divinity.

Acting high and mighty, nose upturned, a snob! a liar! an undeserving god! 

I have not known true suffering like you have, no childish fights or years of cultivation could accumulate into bearing a heart scarred for eternity, eyes that witnessed death one too many times, turning into melting sheets of ice.

𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯! 𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨! 𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘨𝘳𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦! 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶!

When the heavenly pavements shook, the golden places reduced to nothing but dust, and the ancient bell gonged madly that it broke, the gods on the streets that had whispered amongst themselves

"𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘰 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸?" 

But it was you! 

The one who had been erased from history, the so called laughing stock of the three realms ascended once more and yet I wasn't there to welcome you back, to cover your ears from the bitter voices, to shield you away from the scrutinizing eyes of the divine figures lining the streets of heaven, instead what I had unknowingly greeted you with was a roar of anger demanding for the one who had toppled my palace.

𝘚𝘪𝘨𝘩

Your Highness... to see your face again.. where do I begin?

In my own cowardice I disguised myself as a lowly junior official, thickened my face and asked Ling Wen not to mind the amount of merits you had to pay me and even went as far as to only ask for half, if that wasn't enough I had also followed you around like a lost mutt back down to the mortal realm with Mu Qing dragging closely behind (like the useless bastard he is, peculiar of him to follow along).

How laughable, it's the three of us again. 

Why did I follow you around? Why did I have to hide? Did I want to ask for your forgiveness that's been long overdue and mend centuries of forgone relations or did I simply crave to be by your side again?

It's strange isn't it? 

Your Highness you're truly unbelievable.. the world really does revolve around you and I too with it. You are the sun that blazes bright, the light that draws moths nearer and nearer until it ignites into flames. 

The one who wants to stand by your side... isn't it me? Then why is that everytime I try to get closer I burn? 

Your Highness there is no one in the world like you, there is no one in heaven or earth that I love more than you, how many times shall I have my heart trampled and bruised til I can finally touch you without being smoldered?

Hate me, forgive me, see me as your friend. You are still all I've ever wanted and waited for, no matter how much I try to forget and replace you there is no one that could amount to you.

I wanted to try and reach out.

𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦

Touch you without fearing the flames that would eventually put me in my damnation. I want so badly to be the one you cherish, Your Highness... but why is that the one who has captured your heart a ghost! A demon king! The nightmare of the heavens! 

𝘊𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘙𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘚𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘍𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳

Did he put a spell on you? What has he done that you gave him your heart so easily? It can't be. I want to convince myself that- that 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 isn't truly the one who your heart desires.

But what can I do?

I can't deny it, he's better than I, he never left you, he believed in you, waited for you no matter how long, searched the heavens and earth for you, sought vengeance for you, died for you—𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦— and I know that he would give you everything without you even asking.

𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴.

Most importantly.... He gave you a smile even brighter than your own existence, a smile I've never seen even when we were only carefree and innocent children. I can't take you away and protect you this time, now all I can do is let you wait for your beloved to come back, all I can do is watch you as the seasons change again. I can't reach out without being burned, I'm not like him that comes close and makes you blaze even brighter than I thought possible, this is as close as I can get without disintegrating, your happiness is all I've ever wanted.

Maybe this is all we truly ever are in this lifetime, still, I want to live through a thousand more, to be by your side even if the outcome is the same, I'll do it all again for you, I can wait until I've lived a lifetime where it's just you and me, I'll burn and crash in as many lifetimes as I can for you— 𝘟𝘪𝘦 𝘓𝘪𝘢𝘯. 

Is there a lifetime waiting for us?

I open my eyes and there's you holding your hands out to me

"𝘍𝘦𝘯𝘨 𝘟𝘪𝘯, 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬! 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘺 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶!"

You're here with a smile on your face I never thought would be for me, your hair is blowing in the wind, your tender eyes locked onto mine, the sun is shining gently on your features.

𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are greatly appreciated 😔 <3


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